amy morita

I must admit, I am struggling.  I know that it is time for a big change in my life.  I have been creating the opportunity for this change to take place for years.  Now I am on the threshold of change.  I have so little to say.  So much is unknown.   I am so unsure on how to behave.  I have never been here before.  What else is there to do except simply BE here where I am and silently remind myself, "this to shall pass."

This will be the last time I write before I go.  Thank you to al of you that have commented, you have warmed my soul by showing me that there are people out there willing to read my random thoughts.  Thank you to all of you that have chosen to read this as a way to try to understand better and for forgiving me for being somewhat vague even here.  One day I will share this entire story with so much more clarity.   Thank you to those who have offered me there unending support, even when you disagree. Thank you to those of you who have challenged me along the way.  I would not have known how important this all really is with out having had the opportunity to fight for it.  

I return April 1st.  Look for updates on my clarity in the weeks that follow.  

~ amy

 Over the past week I have learned the power of letting go.  I have realized my tendency to hold tightly to the things that I can control, or better said the things I think I have control over.  Slowly, the vision process has taught me to let go, relax and trust.  I have been willing to partake in this process as long as it did not involve letting go of the few simple things I have thought I had control over, my children, my marriage and my family life.  My impending 6 month departure from my current reality has caused me to see clearly the need to release these things so my transformation into a person with clear eyesight naturally can finally manifest.

I have walked around thinking that I am supposed to do or be a certain way to be loved and cherished as a mother, wife, daughter and friend.  The real trouble is my natural disposition is nothing like the way I was supposed to be.  Unconsciously I found myself angry at those I love.  I spent energy trying to get them to change or behave as they were "supposed" to to justify the compromise I daily made.  So much energy was wasted fighting over how to be or who should do or be something different.  Then all of the sudden I was offered a suggestion by a teacher, "It is so much easier to give others permission to be themselves once you have given yourself permission to be your True Self."  

I have little tastes of this True Self, my teacher spoke of.  It is the investigation into this Self that is driving me to such great lengths to spend more time in meditation.  The greatest gift of my meditative practice, so far, is a deeply felt gratitude for my life.  If this is who my True Self is now, I pondered, what if I offer that Truth when ever I was faced with a challenge that wasn't working for me?  The opportunity presented itself to me with in a few days.  In conflict, I remembered who I have experienced myself to be and moved from that place.  Slowly the situation changed before my eyes.  At first it was hardly noticeable but the effect was certainly there.  I felt the benefit and chose again the next time I was presented with conflict...this time the result was even more pronounced.  This drove me to further pursue this new found path of solutions to my troubles.  Soon, I found my conflict ending in signs of Authentic Love.  

In "seeing" the precise conflict I was experiencing, as an opportunity to grow in my new found love for life, the more grateful I felt for the conflict.  As I shared my gratitude for the conflict and the gifts bestowed upon me, to the person the conflict was with, the less pain I experienced.  By allowing the "enemy" to become what they truly were, a powerful teacher,  I learned from the conflict.  As I allowed the pain to be transformed with in my own conception into a gift that is propelling me to greater expressions of joy, I felt more gratitude.  All of this took place because I "let go" of all the old beliefs about the particular conflict and chose new ones being presented to me in the moment.  The result was I was finally free to offer real expressions of my love for the person involved.  In turn this person experienced more freedom to express authentic love for me.

There is a possibility for new life as a result of letting go of all that no longer works for me.  This new life may look different  or it may look the same to the outside world.  It may not fit in a pretty box, nor have any external worth at all.  One thing is for certain, it is by far more valuable to me than anything else in my life.  The "it" that I speak of is deeply felt and known beyond any doubt.  "It" is a life filled with Authentic Love.  Because of my courage to let go of my past beliefs and choices to live my recent  experience of gratitude, I am one step closer to experiencing Authentic Love as my all the time reality.  This continued experience of True Love is an experience worth having and living for all eternity!

~ amy

For those interested in researching the form of meditation I speak of, please visit Theishayatradtion.org 

In the past week I have dealt openly with a lot of opposition to my choices.  It is not new opposition, I simply found myself facing it.   I was shocked by my ability to look at each situation from the heart.  So many times in my past I would have made assumptions and then decisions about what others would say and think.  I would internally give permission for others to control my life.  I allowed people to choose what was safe or best for me.  This weekend proved to me that I have truly accomplished something worth while in my life.  In each conflict or disagreement I was able to stay true to my self worth inside.  I followed my intuition.  Sometimes I found that I was wrong, sometimes I was right, but inside I always won.  I won because I stayed true to me.  I let others be as they choose to be, to see as they choose to see.  It was amazing to feel the deeper connection with each of the people involved, as if none of the things being said really mattered.  What truly mattered in my experience was my willingness to be me and allow them to be them.  I felt free.

Many times I have asked someone else to set down the beliefs that have been passed on from generation to generation.  Many times have I asked someone else to open their mind to new possibilities.  I have suggested that life can really be something more than we often allow it to be.   I have questioned, "Who said so?  Why does it have to be this way?  Why must I suffer?"  It was not until this weekend that I feel truly vindicated in my asking.  I was right to question.  i was right to seek another alternative to a mediocre existence.  I have experienced the proof of the power in questioning.  All of my future is wide open to me now.  I have so many more possibilities for a fulfilling, joyful life than I could have ever dreamed of.  Where ever I go from here things are simply going to get better and better.  Trials and challenges will simply bring even greater rewards, so bring them on!  A life of complacency no longer has a firm grip around my heart.  I am free.

Everything I do from now on will only bring higher and higher experiences of clarity and love.  Even the doom and gloom that is so constantly thrust in front of me, holds with in it evolving layers of clarity and love.  I choose to see all the possibilities in my future (as well as yours) as perfectly designed to open me to an even higher experience of joy and clarity.  No more will I hold still and behave like a good little girl.  From now on I live freely.

I leave you with the choice, will you actively choose higher expressions of that which you hold dear?  Or will you sit and wait for life to thrust it upon you?  I have done it both ways now...A word to the wise, ACTIVELY SEEK YOUR DEEPEST DESIRES.  It is only this that allows a life free from chronic pain, depression and fear.  Is certainty worth the toll you must pay?  Do not worry over your decision, you can not go wrong, but know this there is a way that far exceeds the other.  What is this way?  FOLLOW YOUR HEART!  It alone knows the most beautiful route for you.

As I trust my heart, my mind grows clearer and everything in my life improves.  

~ amy

In the past few days my gratitude, for the support and love I am receiving by those around me, triples in intensity every moment.  Many who this change affects the most have begun to accept the changes it will cause in their lives.  The one, my husband, who will carry most of the burden of my absence has shown me his peace with the idea.  I am also gifted with the kind reminders that he does not want me to go.  My love for him has increased ten fold through this past week.  I am even more adamant that I go and return with a clearer vision of my ability to love and there for our potential to grow ever more fully in love. Although it certainly will be a challenge the benefits are already showing up in my life and my relationship with the one I love more than any other living and breathing.  He has doubts and I have heard some of your doubts, strangely I only experience doubts about our continued lifelong relationship if I consider giving up responding to my hearts calling.

As I found my way here today, I am also grateful to David for sharing a thought about his myopia in last weeks comment box. This has motivated me to clarify the importance, in my healing, of the deep relaxation I will receive over the six month of training.  Yet the beautiful piece is, I will also receive a great many challenges.  The purpose of this dipping in and out of relaxation or connection with the One is to allow the clarity to last not only as a result of clearing away all the old trauma.It is also learning to maintain the relaxed state when new stress occurs.  Essentially it's purpose is to teach me to "rise above" or sink deep below the problem into the calm depths that always exist and have always existed with in me.  Thank you David!  I hope you keep pursuing forgiveness and long lasting clarity results.

It is also to create a environment where True Vision can be given to me once again, through a dream or a vision.  When I was a child I had a dream over an over again.  It's insistence to implant the importance upon my conscious mind could not be ignored over years of experiencing the same dream and emotions that went along with it.  I always wondered how it would play out in my life.  Looking at the past ten years makes the dream all too clear for me at this moment in time.  What is beautiful and strange at the same time, is that the meaning I have given it thus far is very likely to expand over these winter months.  I can see new meaning being brought to it at every stage of my life that is destined to be filled with change, light and love.  These are the gifts of the dream.  There is also much to overcome to gain these gifts, again and again and again.  I have many dark cages, to find the courage to leave once the opening comes and sheds light upon the restriction of the prison. There will be many opportunities to step into the adjoining room of these dark cages to discover on complete faith if it will be better than the one I just left.  It is on faith alone that I trust the light shining upon my cage and head for true freedom, were love is the only reality.

My love is willing to let me walk through the door way I created.  Isn't it possible that he will find his own passage to the other side?  If I could take the time to share the dream you might clearly see his doorway opening right now as mine is opening.  If you knew what I know in the depths of my heart you might not find yourself so troubled.  Yet if you do find yourself struggling with this story, I trust that time will show you what is already known to me.  There is only Love.  In the Light of Love there is always Clarity!

~ amy 

During my May meditation retreat I had a very quick yet memorable experience.  On the fourth day I was surprised while meditating when I saw, actually "experienced" the blackest black I have ever seen with my eyes closed.  It only lasted for a half a second and was gone.  It was such a powerful experience that my mind began spinning to try to recapture the magnificent glory of the blackness.  I spun and spun until finally I felt the ground drop out from under me. (Not literally I could feel my body safely resting on my bed)  Almost instantly after the bottom disappearing, the experience of being firmly supported followed.  There was such a surge of relief that filled my mind and body that I then fell fast asleep.  (sleeping is encouraged in the meditation practice I have chosen.)  Sometime later I awoke and began my meditation again.  It was at this moment the most profound experience took place.  As my mind wanted to travel back to figure out what had happened earlier in my practice my heart began to pull me in a different direction.  I began to notice a full feeling in my chest and soon that fullness expanded. Then it kept expanding making me feel as if my ribs and skin were being stretched beyond comfort.  I almost began to panic until the memory of the Grinch popped into my mind.  You know that part in the story when the grinch is about to throw all the gifts off the cliff and then he hears the singing of the town he robbed from.  My heart was growing, just like the grinches.  I have never felt nor expressed the kind of gratitude I did in the days that followed that experience.  I was full of a love that had never been known to me.  It is this I must learn to embody and create as my all the time reality.

When i got home I tried to explain and share my desire to create this for myself.  It is the type of experience that once had must be had again and again.  It is the type that makes all terrible things in life worth going through.  It is so pure.  The only problem is I was trying to explain to those around me in my old way of communicating.  Others around me did not have the same life transforming experience and so kept hearing me as if I had never changed.  I was very frustrated.  My frustration brought pain and suffering to myself and those I tried to communicate with.  Clarity was no where to be found.  Yet the power of the experience kept motivating me forward.  At some point in all of this struggle I gave up trying to explain in my old way.  Soon I learned to let my loved ones adapt to my change not by fighting it but by doing my best to be that change.  I failed so many times.  Yet I kept getting back up, trying again to bring clarity to the situation.  

Slowly but surely the most important players in my life have begun to see the importance of my journey to investigate the possibilities in this practice for me.  Slowly but surely I am feeling the support replace the falling feeling.  Most importantly slowly but surely I am beginning to feel the deep sense of gratitude and love for this incredible support being offered me in my quest to find myself.  

This is the life I must lead.  I must be free to find ever greater experiences of love, praise and gratitude.  In doing this I will only be able to give this to those around me.  I can no longer live filling myself with fear, hatred and anger and therefor dumping the burden of these feelings upon those I adore.  As I allow myself to walk this path my life and world grow more beautiful by the minute.  The monster turn magically into beautiful angels.  The pain turns to wonderfully warm sensations of love.  The sadness turns into a joy that can not be described.  As all of this intensifies and grows I realize more reasons to fill my life with these beautiful experiences...life becomes worth living not a burden that I have to numb myself from.  

I am so grateful to be alive!  

~ amy